L'Avenir Incertain

So pretty soon, my good friend Kendra is going to be getting on a plane and flying to France. She's going to be living there for-freaking-ever -- or 10 months or something, I forget. I'm going to miss her, of course. It's a sappy cliché to say that Kendra has changed my life for the better, but I feel like it's true. She's been kind enough to listen to me complain about my job daily for the past 18 months, encouraged me to worry less and start living for myself, and helped me build up my confidence (I'm still working on this). But it's more than the advice she gives me. Kendra is my personal hero. I've told her time and again how impressed I am by her bravery. She always says that she doesn't get why people like me say that, and insists that she's a huge coward. Yeah, sure.

Kendra wanted to live in France, so what did she do? She signed up for one of those programs where Americans go to foreign countries to teach kids English. HOLY SHIT, she's going to France to teach kids English! If one of my dreams was to live in France, it would never happen. Do you know why? Because the moment the idea of picking up and moving to France entered my head, my thoughts would become so filled with self-doubt that my entire brain would have to be shut down. I don't speak the language; I don't know anybody there; where would I live?; how would I get around the city?; how would I SURVIVE?

It's not that Kendra isn't worried about any of this stuff (especially now that I've brought it all up), it's that she's bold enough to go ahead and chase the dream in spite of it. I keep quoting one of my college professors at her.

Without fear, there is no bravery.

Yeah, I know it's probably not an original quote, and, okay, it's a little cheesy, but that don't say a thing about its validity. I keep telling her that, but for some reason she still thinks she's a coward. I'm sure I don't know everything I could about Kendra, so maybe I'm wrong and she is a big poopy-pants scardey-baby. But if it is true, then she's sure got everyone fooled.

So like I said, I'm obviously going to miss Kendra for all the reasons that you miss a good friend when you start to see less of them. The thing is, there's been something else that I've been feeling as well this past week, and I've only just realized that it is apprehensiveness. It's not that I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen to Kendra in France. It's... well, look:

Kendra is a woman who is not going to let anything keep her from doing what she wants to do. Knowing what I do about her interests, her concerns, and her morals, I can see that she is destined for some kind of greatness. And when I read through Kendra's blog, I occasionally see my name pop up. This makes me feel good, because it lets me believe for a moment that I am playing a supporting role, even if it be an infinitesimal one, in Kendra's life. The fear I have is that when Kendra goes to France, a consequence of our decreased correspondence will be an end to that role.

One of the things Kendra tells me is that I think too much, and I reckon that's true. Even if there is some remnant of that little doubting voice that I'm not able to squelch, most of me is sure that this is nothing to worry about. I'm positive that Kendra will say that I'll just have to make sure to stay in touch and come for a visit, and of course, I plan to do both of those things.

Meanwhile, there's another small part of me that is saying that Kendra is going to be totally weirded out by this post, and the smart thing to do would be to just delete it and go to bed. But that's okay; Kendra once said to me that mistakes are how we learn, so if you want to learn a lot, you need to do a lot of things wrong. Consequences be damned. I want her to know that she's important.

Schadenfreude

Sometimes I think it's the best part about being a Yankee fan.

O Joyous Joy

Kendra: I don't think I've ever seen you express joy.

Even though I think Kendra and I know each other pretty well as a result of our daily IM conversations, we probably haven't spent more than 72 hours within the physical proximity necessary to actually see one another express any of the vast rainbow of human emotion. I've never seen Kendra make out with another woman, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen every Saturday night.

So really, it wasn't at all surprising that Kendra had never seen me express joy, but it felt like she was suggesting that I was incapable of it. I felt obliged to defend myself, and started to try to think of times that I had experienced that emotion. Kendra hadn't seen me embarrass myself in front of an attractive young lady at the Baltimore Aquarium when I found myself completely incapable of containing the excitement I felt over just how FUCKING cool that octopus was (in my defense, there was also a Morey Eel), but had that been joy? Just what was "joy"?

I headed over to Dictionary.com to see what the experts thought:

Okay, that's a good start, but I had to see if this definition matched Kendra's:

Matthew: what is joy?

Kendra: Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness

Okay, guess we were all set then.

So I thought a bit more, and oddly enough, the first experience I could think of that fit that description also took place at the Baltimore Aquarium, while I was watching the dolphin show. I think from here out, our conversation pretty much speaks for itself:

Matthew: I was watching the trainers and the dolphins interact, and that was so cool.

Matthew: and I know it sounds stupid, but it was a pretty intense happiness i was feeling.

Kendra: it doesn't sound stupid

Kendra: don't be afraid of expressing your emotions

Matthew: hey, i think if anything I'm a little too willing to share embarrassing things with you

Kendra: well I'm archiving them

Kendra: to use against you when you become famous

Matthew: oh no!

Matthew: then I guess I probably shouldn't mention that the dolphins made me cry

Kendra: mmmhhh I wonder if I can get someone to draw that out

Matthew: you mean me, watching dolphins and crying?

Kendra: yeah

Kendra: sketch it

Kendra: like a comic book

Kendra: or perhaps video tape it

Matthew: Jen was like, "What the hell, are you crying?"

Matthew: "Yes. Thank you for not drawing attention to it!"

Kendra: did she mock you?

Matthew: no

Kendra: she's a bigger woman than I

This does all raise an interesting question, however. Why am so willing to talk about embarrassing incidents from my past. Kendra will be disappointed to learn that she isn't the only one who gets to hear them, but that I'm actually pretty open about the various humiliation I've experienced. 'Sup with that?



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Gorilla Arms

I consider myself a member of the elite clique of Nintendo Fanboys known as Nintendorks, so it's pretty much my duty to blog about the controller that Nintendo revealed late last week, as the interface for their next gen console, Revolution. So here it is...



So pretty much across the board, the immediate reaction to seeing this thing is one big WTF. Even I felt it. I mean really? A remote? Where's the analog stick? What am I supposed to do with only two buttons? The consensus in Studio 64 was pretty much the same. What the heck were Nintendo thinking?

But slowly, it started to dawn on us just what this control scheme allowed. We started pitching our own ideas for controlling updated versions of our favorite games. There's just so much room to broaden gameplay! Imagine playing Metroid Prime 3, and holding the wand at different angles to determine which gun you're using. What if, in a FPS, you could either throw a grenade with an overhead arm movement, or roll it along the floor towards your opponent? A new Duck Hunt, Mario Tennis, sword fighting in Zelda... Holy shit, can you imagine how insane an installment of Mario Party or Wario Ware would be with this thing?

There are still a lot of nay-sayers, most of whom are asking, "How am I going to play Soul Caliber on this thing?" Nintendo isn't going to forget about cross-platform games, but this is the one aspect of the new controller I'm apprehensive about. Nintendo really needs to include something resembling a standard controller with Revolution, or else the system is going to miss out on a lot of games. Nintendo has said that there will be a "shell" resembling a standard Gamecube controller, with a slot for the wand, but if this doesn't come as standard equipment, well, it's the same problem that the XBox 360 faces with its optional hard drive. If there's a large portion of the market that doesn't have a particular add-on, then it doesn't make much sense to develop games that require that add-on, does it?

If they aren't including a standard controller with Revolution, then Nintendo is effectively removing themselves from the next round of console wars before they even begin. I'm not sure this is really a bad thing, though. For years, fans of Nintendo have chosen their console because they feel Nintendo has must-own exclusives, even if they are lacking in 3rd party, multiple-console software. So far, the developer reaction to Revolution has been entirely positive. If enough developers hop on the bandwagon and start producing top-notch games that can only be played on Nintendo's console, then it could make Revolution a system that a lot of people want to have alongside their PS3 or XBox 360. Nintendo remains the most profitable of the three major console hardware companies, despite trailing way behind Sony and being only slightly ahead of Microsoft in terms of systems sold. Second place isn't so bad from that perspective.

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