L'Avenir Incertain

So pretty soon, my good friend Kendra is going to be getting on a plane and flying to France. She's going to be living there for-freaking-ever -- or 10 months or something, I forget. I'm going to miss her, of course. It's a sappy cliché to say that Kendra has changed my life for the better, but I feel like it's true. She's been kind enough to listen to me complain about my job daily for the past 18 months, encouraged me to worry less and start living for myself, and helped me build up my confidence (I'm still working on this). But it's more than the advice she gives me. Kendra is my personal hero. I've told her time and again how impressed I am by her bravery. She always says that she doesn't get why people like me say that, and insists that she's a huge coward. Yeah, sure.

Kendra wanted to live in France, so what did she do? She signed up for one of those programs where Americans go to foreign countries to teach kids English. HOLY SHIT, she's going to France to teach kids English! If one of my dreams was to live in France, it would never happen. Do you know why? Because the moment the idea of picking up and moving to France entered my head, my thoughts would become so filled with self-doubt that my entire brain would have to be shut down. I don't speak the language; I don't know anybody there; where would I live?; how would I get around the city?; how would I SURVIVE?

It's not that Kendra isn't worried about any of this stuff (especially now that I've brought it all up), it's that she's bold enough to go ahead and chase the dream in spite of it. I keep quoting one of my college professors at her.

Without fear, there is no bravery.

Yeah, I know it's probably not an original quote, and, okay, it's a little cheesy, but that don't say a thing about its validity. I keep telling her that, but for some reason she still thinks she's a coward. I'm sure I don't know everything I could about Kendra, so maybe I'm wrong and she is a big poopy-pants scardey-baby. But if it is true, then she's sure got everyone fooled.

So like I said, I'm obviously going to miss Kendra for all the reasons that you miss a good friend when you start to see less of them. The thing is, there's been something else that I've been feeling as well this past week, and I've only just realized that it is apprehensiveness. It's not that I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen to Kendra in France. It's... well, look:

Kendra is a woman who is not going to let anything keep her from doing what she wants to do. Knowing what I do about her interests, her concerns, and her morals, I can see that she is destined for some kind of greatness. And when I read through Kendra's blog, I occasionally see my name pop up. This makes me feel good, because it lets me believe for a moment that I am playing a supporting role, even if it be an infinitesimal one, in Kendra's life. The fear I have is that when Kendra goes to France, a consequence of our decreased correspondence will be an end to that role.

One of the things Kendra tells me is that I think too much, and I reckon that's true. Even if there is some remnant of that little doubting voice that I'm not able to squelch, most of me is sure that this is nothing to worry about. I'm positive that Kendra will say that I'll just have to make sure to stay in touch and come for a visit, and of course, I plan to do both of those things.

Meanwhile, there's another small part of me that is saying that Kendra is going to be totally weirded out by this post, and the smart thing to do would be to just delete it and go to bed. But that's okay; Kendra once said to me that mistakes are how we learn, so if you want to learn a lot, you need to do a lot of things wrong. Consequences be damned. I want her to know that she's important.